I’m learning how to become a bitch.

The “nice girl” to girl-with-boundaries pipeline.

For starters: I don’t strive to be a bitch, and I don’t condone Mean Girls-esque behavior.

I’m learning to adapt more of what I like to call: laissez-faire bitchiness.

All my life, from teachers to friends to strangers, I have always been labeled as one thing: “nice.” That’s not a bad thing to be called, but it kind of sounds like some sort of blanketed, surface-level compliment. It should be taken as a direct regard that you’re a good person, but being called “nice” kind of feels like they haven’t gotten to know you well enough past the shy smiles and agreeable nods. Like, sure, I’m nice, but I’m also creative and witty.

And I have always prided myself on being “nice.” I’ve always been the typical girl-next-door “good girl.” I’m loyal to a fault, reliable, supportive, a good listener, encouraging, always trying to help, and just generally… nice.

One time a friend sat me down and had me watch an anime called Fruits Basket with her, only for her to point out halfway through that I was like the main character — too nice and always giving too much until I have nothing left. Ouch. I thought this was girl’s day, but also… yeah, I get it.

I’ve always been too nice to the point where I let people walk all over me. A people-pleaser. A push-over. The kind of girl who never confronts — just smiles and nods.

A few years ago, I used to be so scared to advocate for myself. For example, if someone hit me with their car, I probably would have blamed it on myself and ended up apologizing to them — and that’s not even an exaggeration. Let’s just say for better or worse, I’ve grown a backbone since then.

And to that extent, I’ve been learning how to become more of a bitch.

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For starters, let’s define what I call a laissez-faire bitch:

Laissez-faire bitch: one who withdraws instead of arguing; letting something slide, but not being warm about it

It’s a fancy term I’ve coined that basically just says: I have boundaries now and I’m protecting my peace.¹

It’s not going out of your way to be mean or passive aggressive, but just the overall lack of further engagement. Think of it like something happens → conversation trying to convey boundaries → if the other party lacks accountability → laissez-faire-bitch mode activated.

Now, I don’t have a peace sign stick-and-poked on my finger for nothing. I have always been, or at least tried to be, the peacemaker — even in situations I genuinely have nothing to do with, I’m usually the one roped in to mediate at some length. However, through the years I have learned that sometimes you can take the high road all you want, try to talk things out, come up with solutions — but some people are just going to be how they’re going to be. I’m not going to say that’s okay, but some people just don’t know how to communicate like an adult. And in that case, sometimes you just have to let it be.

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I’m not trying to learn to become Regina George or something else of the sort. I don’t have a burn book, I’m not judging people’s outfits.

It’s more of “a rebel with a cause” mentality. I’ve just decided that I’m done entertaining people and situations that are not good for me. I’ll give you an example:

I had a situation at work once where this male coworker cornered me and was right up against me, trying to grab me.

This was not the first instance with this guy. This particular guy had a long history of inappropriate comments, trying to grab me or get me to go home with him, and a lot of low blows of him commenting on my weight.

So I got away and went to tell the manager — who also happened to be his “bro” — and he just told me that coworker was just playing. Just joking. What do you expect? You know how they are.

I said, “I expect respect, to not feel unsafe at work. I shouldn’t have a coworker trying to grab me.”

The manager literally told me to “calm down, stop complaining.”

My blood was boiling.

Girlies — and I say this with my whole chest — if anyone ever makes you feel uncomfortable or unsafe, I want you to speak up and speak out. Complaining is “ugh, I’m tired, my feet hurt,” not “someone tried to grab me and made me feel unsafe.”

And what did I do after this situation? Well, clearly nothing was done on the manager’s end after I tried to communicate, so I started just simply clocking in, doing my job, clocking out. I wasn’t in the position to just outright quit with no back-up plan, but I also didn’t cause a scene or entertain them further. No “Hi, how was your weekend?” No small talk. Just do my job, get my money, go home to my dog, start planning my exit route. But because I became less friendly and social, people were whispering that “I must be on my period” and calling me a bitch.

The thing is — I’d rather people think I’m a bitch because I stood up for myself than my silence allowing them to feel comfortable continuing that kind of behavior.

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I don’t let people walk all over me, and I don’t let things slide anymore. But I also don’t cause a scene. The “laissez-faire bitch” attitude that I have coined is more-so me just setting boundaries and upholding them… but with a cool name attached. If people are going to call me a bitch, I might as well reclaim the title in a fun way.

Some people expect that the “nice girl” will just let things blow over, but I’m no longer the girl that just says “teehee, it’s okay.”

When the “nice girl” starts to put up boundaries, it no longer allows people to get away with what they used to and forces them to take accountability. But not everyone likes to take accountability, so instead, they’ll label you “difficult,” a “bitch,” or say “you’ve changed” — when all you did was learn how to finally advocate for yourself. If the people around you are uncomfortable with you sticking up for yourself and communicating your needs, then honey, those are not your people.

And I’m no longer compromising my peace to make others feel comfortable.

Those who know me know I’m still that “nice” girl teachers used to comment on my progress reports. I’m still the girl who will spend all-nighters painting a portrait of your dog ahead of our hangout just to surprise you. I’m still the girl who will answer your 2am FaceTime when you found a spider in your room and need some emotional support before you can go to sleep.²

The only difference is now: I don’t tolerate disrespect.

1. I also want to clarify that I think the term “protecting your peace” has become a little too viral of a buzzword and has turned into an excuse. I’m a firm believer in always doing what is best for yourself, but the term gets a little dicey when people cancel on their plans an hour before so that hey can doom-scroll in bed under the guise of “protecting their peace” — but that’s a discussion for a future article.

2. To further my point, I have never sworn on the internet in this way and am genuinely terrified of my mom finding this. (Yes, I know, I’m 26). Mom — if you’re seeing this, I’m sorry!