soft confessions #1: I hope no one finds my substack.

The desire to be seen but not exposed.

It’s not that I don’t want anyone to find my ‘Stack…

I’m a writer and the greatest honor would be finding just one person who resonates with my words.

But God forbid the day someone I know personally finds my ‘Stack.

And I suppose it doesn’t help my case that I chose not to write under an alias, which I suppose I could easily change that real quick.

But I don’t want to.

I’m on the precipice of “being old,” or at least that’s what my younger coworkers like to joke.

And as a wise 26ixty year old lady, I’m tired of hiding.

I’m too old to be too scared to take a risk. Maybe nothing will ever become of my writing, maybe no one will ever read. But I’ll never know if I don’t try.

So here I am writing my little articles, being brave, and attaching it to my name.

But I still don’t want anyone I know to find it.

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Writing my articles and sending them out to my subscribers (though that sounds too formal, I think of you guys as my girlies I share laughs, cry’s, and recipes with), is an artistic expression.

Having someone I know read these same posts? That’s intimacy.

Ok think about it like this — Taylor Swift goes through a break up and calls her friends and vents about every little detail with them. That’s vulnerability, that’s intimacy. But then she puts out a song about the break up to her fans. That’s an artistic expression.

As her fans, we can theorize and take a guess about who each song is about, since we’ve been following her career and story for 20+ years. But here’s the thing: we’ll never actually know. (No matter how much Swiftok “experts” try to convince us their analysis is 100% canon).

I’m writing my articles and sure, I’m in the beginning stages, my “debut era” if you will, and if you read long enough, you might be able to connect some dots, but you’ll never actually know.

I’m not going to name names — just write about my experiences, what I’ve learned. And if that helps you find some comfort or feel less alone, then I feel like I’d have done my job.

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But if someone I know personally finds my writing — yeah, I’m not ready for that.

I can come on here and be vulnerable and honest with you because we don’t know each other, and there’s a sense of safety in that. I can vaguely write about this and that, and you’ll have no idea who’s who or the context.

If my mom opened up a piece — yeah, she’d know exactly who or what I’m reflecting on, or throwing tiny jabs at.

My mom, bless her soul, gets the lengthy, detailed phone calls, naming names. She knows the tea.

My ‘Stack is for letting it all out and reflecting because I’ve found that hearing someone’s else story, finding a piece in it that resonates with me, helps me feel less alone and like maybe I’m not totally behind in life.

My Substack isn’t for the people I know — it’s for the girl burrito-wrapped in her blankets at 2am wondering why the guy she likes won’t text her back. And maybe during her spiral she finds one of my pieces and it feels like talking to a friend.

This only works for me because I don’t know my reader — I can say whatever and be as vulnerable and honest as I want because you don’t actually know me.

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They say not to vent because the air flows into other rooms, but if it floats out into the void, it’s just a creative release.

Maybe it’s contradictory. The desire to want to be seen, but not by the people who know you best.

But for now — this is the only way it feels safe.

It’s easier to take a risk without the fear of those you love potentially seeing you fail.