Tinder: the Rom-Com Starring You and a Man Holding a Fish

A petition to delete all the dating apps and shamelessly fall in love again.

What happened to romance?

What happened to being in Barnes & Noble reaching for a book as you feel someone else’s hand, look up, and find yourself staring into the eyes of your soulmate?

Maybe that’s where my fairytale-esque, hopeless romanticism starts to show.

But when did we all start swiping for our next partner on our phones? Who decided that this was normal?

And this is where my 26 year old grandma mindset sets in: could the guy in the picture holding the massive fish be my future husband?

No, absolutely not. But why are we all pretending like it could be?

When you’re single, people look at you with those sad eyes, asking, “Well, have you tried the apps?”

No, and I will not — well, not seriously, anyways.

Have I made an account? Sure.

Have I looked and laughed at all the guys holding fish? 100%. (But seriously, what is with all the fish? Genuinely asking here.)

Have I tried actually tried swiping and talking to someone on there? Absolutely not, and you couldn’t pay me to.

When you’re swiping, it’s just photos — there’s no personality, no spark, it’s just mindlessly scrolling and rotting on your phone.

Sure, I know, I know, people have found their future husbands on these apps, and I’m not trying to discredit them, but the whole thing is so… unromantic.

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Online dating is like online shopping.

And for some people, they love it and impulsively pull out their credit cards at midnight. But for me, I like to go into the store, find what I like, and try it on in the fitting rooms. Is it comfortable, does it look flattering on?

The thing with online shopping is: you never know what you’re getting. Maybe you’ll find a rarity, an exception, an absolute gem will show up at your door in a week. Maybe you’ll get something cute to wear to the club once or twice, but it’s not going to last past a couple washes. Or maybe you’ll find something that you’ll never wear and you’re way too lazy to return — a complete waste of an investment.

People always says the apps are where you find people, but we all know what the general consensus of guys on there are looking for. And listen I’m not hating on you if that’s your thing. If you want a fun Friday night, swipe away, live your life, girl.

I’m not against hook up culture, I just have zero interest in participating in it.

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What happened to the meet-cutes in the grocery store? When did cycling through profiles become the norm? And why is that everyone’s default solution? Well, have you tried the apps?

Is it because we’ve lost the art of the third space?

I’ve seen so many people ironically comment how a niche corner of the internet is their “third space.” And while those corners can sometimes garner connection, it’s not the same as physically meeting someone and spontaneously falling into deep conversations and connections.

There are barely any third spaces left for people to meet and connect. Even the malls are dying. And especially with how expensive the world has gotten, even the remaining few third spaces will cost you $50 before you leave your house.

So maybe the apps took over because there wasn’t anything left. They were a way to meet people without having to spend money or leave your home.

But still, I can’t help but wonder —

Am I just an outdated grandma and need to get with the times, or is there anyone else out there still fostering the hope that somehow, someway they will organically find their soulmate?

I guess I’ll return to rewatching all my favorite rom-coms like a future prophecy for my non-existent love life. Though I suppose if I do want to spontaneously bump into a cute guy, I may have to actually leave my house for that…

I guess you really can’t have your cake and eat it, too. But if I do to decide to actually leave my cozy dwelling, I better not find my soulmate walking around holding a fish.